Maybe This Is What You're Looking For...

I'm a normal person who does normal the things that normal people do. I like to hang out and watch TV. I might be an alcoholic and I have no control of anything that happens in my life. I like the outdoors because it's the only way to get away from work and responsibility. I'm a lot of fun.

I'm very interested in sex, but I try to hide it because I'm afraid that everyone will think I'm promiscuous. Really, I'm just human, though, and you're just frigid.

I work at a dead-end job and live week-to-week, paycheck-to-paycheck. My car's a piece of shit, and I don't care.

Those pictures of me? They were taken twenty pounds ago. I tried not to gain weight, but I'm depressed and can't stop stuffing my face with junk food. I haven't exercised since high school. I'll be dead of heart disease before I'm 50.

I have no original thoughts, which scares me, because it seems like everyone else does.

I dress like a giant slob because, well, what's the point, really?

I say that I like movies, but what I mean is that I like jokes about poop, people getting punched in the groin, and naked breasts. I also say that I like music, but what I mean is that I want to hear folks singing in a rather generic way about life's issues that I -- along with everyone else -- can relate to. The radio in my piece-of-shit car hasn't changed stations since I stumbled by luck into setting it to my favorite fifteen minutes after buying the damn thing.

I will secretly think that things won't last from the very moment we first make contact. This will last until one of us dies or you decide to leave me. Once we've been together for a while, I'll feel guilty a lot about checking other women out, but I'll do it anyone because I'm bored with you. When you make me angry, I'll consider smacking you around a bit because I'm a fucking monkey deep down inside.

My home is full of pizza boxes and beer cans and dirty dishes and laundry. There's a pair of boxer shorts hanging from the ceiling fan in my bedroom. They've been there for a year and a half. That was the last time I had a date. If you're lucky, I'll clean up right before the first time you come over so you won't know what it is that you're getting yourself into.

I have no useful skills to speak of. I'm not creative. I'm unloving and unaffectionate. I expect a lot more from you than is reasonable, and will give only as much as I have to. Less if I can pull it off.

What I'd really like is someone who won't bitch at me for farting and who really likes to have sex. You should anticipate putting both traits to use simultaneously at times.

You'll know right away when we meet that I'm an asshole. I'll convince you that it's actually charming.

I'm always fucking right.

And I don't believe in love.

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I'm just pissed that my creative profiles don't seem to catch the attention of many. Maybe one like this would.

I'm in a pissy mood. Sorry.