Defeat

I guess I don't really need anyone. Maybe if I were the last person on Earth, it would be easier for me to know that. I know it already, but it's so very hard.

I lie down in my bed each night and remember the time in my life when I had someone to wrap my arms around. It might as well have been a million years ago, because it's all just memories, and my bare skin has nothing but fabric pressed against it.

Things weren't perfect; maybe they weren't even good. But they were okay. They were all right, and I don't know if I could say that about things as they are now.

Who knows what she's doing or who she's with? I honestly can say that I don't care anymore. She's nothing to me.

But she keeps telling me that she was just drunk. In my head, over and over again. I don't know if she means it -- if she meant it when she said it, and that makes it harder than anything. I can't understand how she possibly could have been telling the truth. But I don't understand much about what she did during that difficult time.

Am I some horrible, ugly troll? Sarah, she said I was hot, but Sarah's long gone. I am someone else now, and I live in a different world.

I didn't hear Sarah as I typed that message. It was Casey. Saying that she was just drunk, like it's what I need to hear, but really it's just what her goddamn selfish ass needed me to hear. She needed to hurt me -- no, to BREAK me. And it's working, because I wanted this girl to like me, but how could she like someone like me? I put two hours into two paragraphs, and I didn't believe a word I said.

There was hope then. And I went to bed, hoping, praying that she'd see, I'm a real person and I'm a good person and we'd get along, no matter how I look.

I expected no answer, though, and I got none.

It doesn't break my heart. I don't really need anyone. But it makes me wonder, did Casey mean it? Was hers the opinion of the majority? Or should I listen to Sarah?

* * *

I'm thinking about taking off work on Friday. I might go take pictures somewhere. Or I might see Watchmen. The trailer for that just looks so good.

* * *

I've got a lot of shit going on in my head that I should probably write about, but I am feeling like I want to just keep it bottled up. I wish I had someone to talk to about it, but I don't. My family wouldn't understand. They'd just make things even harder.

I miss having someone around to listen to me.